Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Entertainment Year in Review - 2005

As the year winds down to a close, let's take a look back on some of the highlights of the entertainment world:

1.) The Michael Jackson Verdict - During the course of this bullshit trial, we learned that MJ is about as thugged out as the rest of us: he cusses like a sailor, watches porn, and still got Lisa Marie sprung. In the end, Money Mike made out like a bandit and is still counting that Beatle dough. Respect his gangsta, beeyotch!

2.) The Mass Commercialization of 50 Cent - It all started with a beef to sell some records, then a much publicized feud with his label-mate, The Game. He signed has-beens M.O.P. and now has former Shiny Suit Man Ma$e shouting "GGGG-Unit!" There was the VitaminWater, the video game, and that whack ass movie that no one saw for fear of getting shot. Now comes word of a 50 Cent condom. Note to 50: MC Hammer!

3.) Tom Cruise - There comes a time when you just gotta say "what the fuck?" From saying stupid shit in the name of Scientology to dancing on Oprah's couch, Mr. Top Gun has perfected the craft of making an ass of one's self! And by the way, we'll see how long his "marriage" to Katie Holmes will last.

4.) "I'm Just Being Bobby Brown" - This former member of New Edition and late 80's superstar confirmed what we knew all along -- that Whitney Houston is nuttier than squirrel shit! Week after week we all tuned in to see the latest drama unfold in the House of Brown. We loved it; we hated it. "Hell to the naw" became the new catchphrase and "dookie bubble" gave us TMGDI: Too Much Goddamn Information!

5.) Kanye West - After collecting some Grammy gold, "The College Dropout" snatched Common from "The Electric Circus" and blessed his fellow Chitown homie with the hip-hop classic, "Be." Not stopping there, he hit us with "Late Registration" and took the rap world back to the days of consciousness with the immortal words: "George Bush does not care about Black people." Pump ya fist.

6.) Nick and Jessica - With his CD sales going wood and her disastrous "acting" gig in the megaflop "Dukes of Hazzard," it came as no surprise there was trouble in loveland. When these media darlings decided to go their own way, it actually came as a breath of fresh air. I just feel for the poor bastards who spent good money to see her in a pair of cut-offs that were too big for her bony ass!

7.) "Trapped in the Closet Parts 1-12" - This is what happens when you have totally run out of ideas. You go into the studio and just create some shit that is totally a waste of CD soundwaves. Then he had the nerve to go on the VMA's and try to act this crappola out in a one-man production? Sources say there is more to come from Mr. Piss On You.

8.) Janet Jackson Gets Naked - What do you do when you have the most downloaded tittie in internet and TiVo history? You get bucky nekkid, lay in the sun, and play a tune on your ass! All we need now is for Rebbie to show some skin and we'll be good to go!

9.) Thanks For the Support... Love, Superhead - Only in America can you suck some wang and become an instant celebrity. Karrine Steffans, known throughout the hip-hop world as "Superhead," busted nuts and named names. Her book "Confessions of a Video Vixen" became a bestseller and made her a millionaire. The dirt was dug deep and the gossip was good, but did we really need to know about her and Ray J?

10.) "Hustle and Flow" - In a year of Hollywood remakes, next to "Crash" this was one of the most original and entertaining films of the year. It solidified Terrence Howard as a serious actor and had us all singing "whup that trick/yeah/whup that trick/get 'em!"

11.) The Rise of Houston Hip-Hop - The Bayou City became a hot spot as Slim Thug, Paul Wall, and Mike Jones (281-330-2004) took the city to new heights. MTV did a special and folks from all over the country are now feenin' for iced out grills and Timmy Chan's.

12.) Madonna - You know it's sad when your last album sounds like the previous three and the look you are going for has been done to death. The Queen of Re-Invention? Please! Many agree that the whole Kabbalah, children storybook writing version of Madonna has fallen from her high horse.

13.) Dave Chappelle - What happened? One minute we were all walking around saying 'I'm Rick James, bitch!" and singing "The Piss On You Remix" and the next? Son pulled one of those "Eddie and the Cruisers" moves on us. Rumors came from all over. Crazy. Crack. In the end, Dave assured us he was okay. Fame... ain't it a bitch?

14.) Mariah Makes a Comeback - Okay, okay, okay... so she made us all eat our words! "The Emancipation of Mimi" sold millions of units and put Mariah back on the map. Her TV appearances were all cleavage and lip-synching but Mariah showed our asses... or did she?

15.) Puffy/Puff Daddy/P Diddy/Diddy - The self-proclaimed "Black Frank Sinatra" did a horrendous job as host of the VMA's and changed his name to garner some much needed attention for himself. Still pimping the legacy of BIG with a digital "duets" CD that features the late Frank White with Bob Marley and 2Pac. Trust me when I say there is a warm spot in hell reserved for Mr. Combs.

16.) Hick-Hop - Big and Rich, along with a hulking Black man named Cowboy Troy performing rap and country music. Just fucking great! Just what the world needs: Charley Pride and freekin' Hank (Boceephus) Williams Jr rocking Sean John and remaking "Aint Nuthin' But a G Thing!"

17.) Lil Kim in the Big House - This is what happens when keeping it real goes wrong. One of two things will happen for Kim while in the pokey: she comes out hard like Pac or we'll be seeing her dropping verses on TBN.

18.) Destiny Turns Off the Radio - After numerous line-up changes and enough hits to make Mike Tyson envious, the "Bootylicious" trio calls it quits with "Destiny Fulfilled." I got $10 riding that in a few years we'll get "Destiny Returns."

19.) Oprah - The most powereful woman on the planet -- FUCK Condoleeza Rice! Who has so much juice that she can do a broadcast in the offseason? Who has so much clout that she can make you or break you just by saying your name? Who is just so bad that things get done just because Oprah is attached to it? Nuff respect due.

20.) Jigga and Esco Squash Beef - When two of the most important figures in hip-hop came together at this year's "SummerJam," it marked the ending of one of the nastiest vocal feuds in history. Admit it... that was a surprise, eh? Not only was it a great day for the rap community, but we can only imagine the damge these two men would do if they joined forces.